🇫🇷 LIBERTÉ, ÉGALITÉ, BUREAUCRATIE

Celebrating Bastille Day in Macronistan

<July 14, Paris, France>

Fireworks, parades, and patriotic speeches echo across the boulevards of Paris. The Champs-Élysées is once again graced by tanks that haven’t been used in a real war since De Gaulle was vertical. Emmanuel Macron stands proudly on the podium, flanked by Eurocrats, waving to a crowd that has mostly given up on voting.

Dear Readers and Subscribers,

It’s that glorious day again: Bastille Day, when France remembers its proud revolutionary roots by staging a carefully choreographed military parade approved by the Ministry of Culture, NATO’s PR department, and the ECB’s Diversity and Inclusion Board.

Gone are the sans-culottes and powdered wigs. Today’s revolutionaries wear lanyards, speak fluent Globish, and believe in the power of ESG metrics. [Note: ESG is how multinational corporations pretend to care about trees, justice, and fairness while outsourcing to child labor in countries you can’t pronounce and charging you double for it. JBM.]

Welcome to Macronistan; a low-carbon, high-regulation Disneyland where sovereignty is offensive, national borders are colonial relics, and liberté must always be balanced with GDPR compliance. [Note: GDPR is the EU’s way of pretending it cares about your privacy while also making sure they get your data to sell to the highest bidder later. It’s like the world’s most bureaucratic way of saying, “We’ll protect your personal data... as long as we’re the ones doing it.” JBM.]

From Storming the Bastille to Filing a Complaint with the EU Ombudsman

Let us recall what Bastille Day once meant:

An angry mob, driven by hunger and fury, stormed a symbol of royal tyranny. Heads were cut, power was seized, and the French nation was born anew, in blood, smoke, and principle.

Fast-forward to 2025:

If you storm a public institution today in France, you won’t be immortalized by Delacroix, you’ll be slapped with a fine from Brussels and enrolled in a mandatory re-education seminar on democratic values and respect for transnational governance.

The Bastille is now a metaphorical call center in Strasbourg, and if you want change, please press 1 for French, 2 for German, and 3 for English (the unofficial language of the EU, but don’t tell the Académie française).

Macron: The Louis XVI of LinkedIn

If Louis XVI were alive today, he wouldn’t be beheaded, he’d be consulting at McKinsey and hosting climate panels in Davos.

Emmanuel Macron, our Jupiterian President, once claimed to embody the spirit of a new Europe. In practice, he is more like a postmodern Sun King, ruling from a palace of think-tank white papers, AI chatbots, and heavily perfumed photo ops in Kiev.

His kingdom? A France without borders, without farmers, without industry, but with a thriving sector of gender-neutral graphic designers and compliance officers.

His subjects? A mixture of angry retirees, cynical youth, and middle-class parents who can’t afford Camembert anymore but are told it’s for the climate.

His revolution? Technocracy masquerading as destiny.

France didn’t surrender to the Germans in 1940 just to be reoccupied by the IMF in 2025.

Parading for Whom, Exactly?

Today’s Bastille Day parade includes soldiers marching in sync under the blue of the EU flag. Drone shows depict the Eiffel Tower morphing into a QR code linking to an EU Digital ID pilot program. And the crowd? Mostly tourists, bureaucrats, and people waiting for the baguette trucks to reopen.

We hear speeches about France’s “strategic autonomy” while French foreign policy is effectively decided in Washington, Berlin, and Davos. We see fighter jets fly over Paris, but the actual war decisions are made in NATO briefings and American Zoom calls.

Is it really independence if you need approval from Ursula von der Leyen before you sneeze on trade policy?

Tanks for the Memories: When Parades Are for “Autocrats” (Except Ours)

Remember when Donald Trump, in his infinite subtlety, proposed a grand military parade down Pennsylvania Avenue? The media howled. “That’s for dictators!” they shrieked. “Only authoritarians showcase their armed forces like that!”

Except… France has been doing exactly that since 1880, on live television, with fighter jets, commandos, foreign dignitaries, and Macron in a suit so tailored it could cause a budget crisis.

So let’s get this straight:

• When Trump wants tanks, it’s fascism.

• When Macron does it with a vegan flyover squad and EU-approved diversity regiments, it’s heritage.

Apparently, military pageantry is only tyrannical when the wrong kind of populist does it.

But here's the real kicker: Trump’s parade was a fantasy. Macron’s? A ritual. Every year, on the anniversary of an anti-monarchical uprising, France parades its might like a peacock in NATO-branded feathers, not to intimidate the world, but to reassure itself that it still matters.

The irony?
The United States doesn’t need a parade to prove it has power. It has power.
France needs a parade to remember what it once was.

But Don’t Worry, The EU Cares About Your Feelings

This year’s Bastille Day slogan, unofficially approved by the Commission, might as well be:

“We remember the revolution, just not the part about independence.”

France is still a nation. On paper. It has a flag, a president, and a baguette emoji. (here:🥖) But behind the veil of parades and patriotic speeches lies a country slowly surrendering not to kings or conquerors, but to algorithms, lobbyists, and global consulting firms.

And as Macron waves from his imperial podium, perhaps he hears, if only faintly, the distant rattle of revolutionary sabots once more.

Don’t worry, France—we’re still “independent”… as long as you don’t count your decisions being made by foreign institutions, corporate interests, and the occasional bribe from Silicon Valley.

The revolution might be televised, but it’s just a really good show.

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